The Peterborough Zombie Survival Guide

Peterborough – it’s undeniably a great place to live, full of culture, innovation and history; businesses are thriving and there are places you can buy really, really nice coffee. But take the restaurants, the theatres, the thrusting businesspeople and talented baristas for granted at your peril. Every single day, shady global bio-tech companies are working with science they can barely control (well, I say that… I mean, they probably are, I’m pretty sure there was something about it on Wikileaks), gambling with the future of the entire human race on a roulette wheel of twisted and overweening ambition – and in the process risking the very fabric of nature itself. (Or so I’m guessing. To be honest, I’m just roughing out a hypothesis here, but, you know, anything’s possible, right?)

So, with this very firmly in mind, The Moment magazine online presents one of the most important documents you will ever see. Read it, remember it, act on it. Because when the zombie outbreak happens, when you’re down to your last tin of beans and your neighbours are banging on your door, moaning and drooling with the anticipation of eating your brains, you’ll be glad that you know exactly what to do next…

Outrun the hordes
If you thought that queuing for petrol at Sainsbury’s on a Saturday morning was ghastly, then be warned: it’s going to be at least twice as bad during the zombie apocalypse. Inevitably, petrol will run out and I for one am not heading out to the North Sea with a drill, and neither, I should imagine, will anyone else. Best to get yourself a decent bicycle instead, from somewhere like Bristows Cycles, and stay literally streets ahead of the walking dead.
www.bristowscycles.co.uk

Kick some undead ass
You’ll never make it out of the city alive if you currently spend all your spare time on the sofa eating crisps. You need to toughen up and prepare for survival – fast. Luckily, Vivacity gyms offers all kinds of workout classes, some based on martial arts and set to blistering, high-octane tunes. Excellent for getting in shape and perhaps even learning some combat moves, maybe not so good if you find you can only defend yourself if Corona’s Rhythm of the Night is playing.
www.vivacity-peterborough.com/sport-healthy-living/

A glass of red…
All I’ll say is: can you imagine a future without wine? Can you make wine? No, thought not. Lay in the good stuff from somewhere such as well-established independent wine experts Amps of Oundle, and make sure your bicycle has a really big basket.
www.ampsfinewines.co.uk

Dress apocalypse-appropriate
Rohan Outdoor and Travel Clothing have come up with the very nifty idea of ‘rustle-free’ weatherproof trousers. Not only will you stay warm and dry when having to hide out in treetops and so forth as herds of zombies shamble past beneath you, you’ll ensure that, when you have to shift position to stop that bit of branch sticking into your bottom, they won’t hear a thing. Can zombies hear? Do their ears still work? How can you hear with dead ears? I don’t know…
rohantime.com/11134/rohan-stamford

Sugar and spice and all things in need of livening up a bit
It’s inevitable that immediately after the Pot Noodles and the tinned chilli con carne have run out, you’re going to be down to eating stuff like stinging nettles and dandelion leaves. And while our good foraging friends at Greeniversity would no doubt say that they’re all delicious, wouldn’t it be nice to have a few condiments up your sleeve to add some interest? Visit the Pasta Shop in Queen’s Walk to stock up not just on herbs and spices, but on some delicious oils, vinegars and real coffee, too. Proprietor Lucia might even give you some tips on curing your own ham…
www.facebook.com/thepastashopuk

Get tooled up
If your plans include surviving in the long term, you may want to invest in some garden tools so you can find a place, hopefully not zombie infested, build a big fence round it and grow some food. Get yourself along to Waterside Garden Centre – before the apocalypse kicks off, obviously – to stock up on forks and shovels, which will also double as handy weapons for stoving in undead skulls.
www.watersidegardencentre.co.uk